I don’t envy you…
– Yura! No and again, no! – an indignant Tanya stood in the doorway to the kitchen.
– Well, Tanyusha, Mom is very sick! – Yura pressed on pity, but his wife did not give in.
– Can you imagine what will happen here? Your mother already sticks her nose into our lives, even though she lives on the other side of town. And if she moves in with us, she’ll make life completely unbearable.
– Oh, stop it, she won’t have time for that now, she can barely breathe. She can barely even speak. She can’t wash herself or eat. I’m not even talking about cleaning and cooking, – Yura, with a serious look, outlined the prospects of Tanya’s life with her mother-in-law.
“After all, if something like this happened to your mother, you wouldn’t think twice,” he turned away, offended, and began to demonstratively look out the window.
This was a weighty argument. Tanya gave in. Nina Stepanovna’s move to Tanya and Yura’s apartment was planned for the weekend. It was necessary to find a car to transport her and some of her things.
– Well, you organize it yourself, – Tanya entrusted the moving to her husband, – And I’ll take care of arranging the room.
The mother-in-law was delivered in the best possible condition, like a queen, in a wheelchair.
“I don’t envy you,” one of the orderlies Yura had hired for money shared with Tanya in a sympathetic whisper. “She drove us crazy in fifteen minutes while we were driving. She was shaking, then there was a draft, then it was hot, then we were talking loudly. Wow!” the guy ran his hand across his throat. Tanya just sighed.
– Tatyana! – Nina Stepanovna’s weak voice came from the room prepared especially for her. Tanya said goodbye to the orderlies and followed the call.
– Tatyana, – the voice became more demanding, – where are you? I need help!
“Here I am, Nina Stepanovna,” Tanya entered the room and was stunned: all the new bed linen that she had laid out for her mother-in-law had been torn off and was lying on the floor.
“My dear, I can’t sleep on calico, I need silk,” the mother-in-law babbled again in a dying voice.
“Well, I’m sorry, we don’t have any silk,” Tanya said, throwing up her hands.
“No wonder, with your demands,” Nina Stepanovna chuckled, hinting at the new TV that Tanya and Yura had recently bought instead of sending their mother-in-law to a sanatorium.
– You were already in a sanatorium three months ago, – Tanya understood the hint, – it didn’t do you any good. And we’ve been wanting to buy a TV for a long time. Your old tube one that you gave us burned out a long time ago.
“There, in the bag, take it out and make me some bed,” the mother-in-law decided to stop the bickering and pointed her finger at the suitcase.
Tanya pulled out a set of bed linen made of a strange material, more like nylon than silk. Chuckling to herself, she made the bed again, receiving several unpleasant electric shocks in the process.
– Please! Take it! – the daughter-in-law collected her set and carried it out of the room.
– Tatyana! – the mother-in-law’s voice was heard again, as soon as Tanya had moved a meter away from the door. She returned.
“Cook me some dinner,” Nina Stepanovna babbled with a suffering look.
– I have everything ready! What would you like: pea soup or navy-style macaroni?
– Oh, what are you saying, what are you saying! – she waved her hands and almost started screaming, – I get flatulence from peas.
“It’s okay, we’ll close the doors for you,” Tanya reassured her, laughing to herself.
“But the pasta makes my stomach feel heavy,” the mother-in-law pouted capriciously.
“And what do you wish, your majesty?” Tanya sighed. She realized that sighing would now be her constant state.
– Why are you doing this? – Yura’s mother made such a miserable face that Tanya felt a little ashamed.
– Well, good! What should I cook for you?
– Well, you hardly know how to grill a spatula, – the sick woman perked up, – But even a first-grader can cook a pot roast. And Yurashik really likes it.
“I don’t think that such food will make your stomach feel light. I’ll make some stewed potatoes,” Tanya turned around and left, not listening to her mother-in-law grumbling after her.
From that day on, hell began for Tanya.
– Tatyana, can you be quieter? My blood pressure has jumped! – Rina Stepanovna knocked on the wall when Tanya was cleaning and the vacuum cleaner was working.
– Nina Stepanovna, I asked, but it can’t be any quieter, – Tanya would enter the sick woman’s room with a vacuum cleaner, offering to turn it down. The mother-in-law would turn to the wall and refuse to eat dinner.
– Tanya, why are you pestering her? – Yura came home upset from his mother. She complained to him about his wife with enviable consistency.
– Yura, I can’t tiptoe around my house and talk in a whisper! I doubt that your mother is so sick that she can’t even get up and wash herself! No, she needs me to get up at the crack of dawn, wipe her with wet wipes, and practically feed her with a spoon! And then run like a saiga to work. After all, she is your mother! You could pay more attention to her! – Tanya scolded her husband in bed in the evening. “And for her to leave me alone, finally!” she silently begged.
“You women will understand each other better,” Yura kissed his wife on the shoulder, turned away and snored. Tanya tossed and turned for a long time, chasing various thoughts in her head about how to live on.
– Tatyana! – Tanya’s mother-in-law’s voice woke her up before the alarm clock.
“What the hell?!” – barely opening her eyelids, the girl looked at the clock – she had to get up in forty minutes. She buried her face in the pillow and groaned.
– Tatyana! – the voice gained decibels.
– What? – The daughter-in-law entered her mother-in-law’s room and turned on the light. She was sitting on the floor and her bed linen was scattered around her.
– Your bed is uncomfortable, I keep slipping off it. Where is your consumer goods? Put it back on for me, or something, – the mother-in-law seemed to have forgotten that she was ill. Her voice was the same – strict, imperious and arrogant.
– And what if I have to go to work in the morning?! And I could sleep for almost another hour! Couldn’t you have slipped away in about forty minutes? – Tanya’s nerves couldn’t take it anymore.
“Oh, I didn’t want to wake you up like that, I thought I’d wait until you woke up, but I was frozen lying on the floor,” the mother-in-law realized that she had gone too far and her voice became weak and painful again.
– I’ll call Yura now. He has a day off today, he’ll sleep during the day. Let him help you.
– What the hell is going on here? – Nina Stepanovna’s son appeared on the threshold, – Tanya! Why is Mom on the floor? She’ll catch a cold!
“It’s okay, son,” his mother calmed him down in a fox-like voice, “your wife just laid out some really weird bed linen for me. It gives me such an electric shock, it’s just awful! I thought I was going to have a heart attack.”
Tanya’s eyes popped out of her head from such a brazen lie. She couldn’t even think of anything to say.
“Well, wife, I didn’t expect this from you,” Yura left the room and returned with the same set that was originally on the bed.
“I’ll do it myself,” he escorted Tanya out of the room, which she was only glad about. She had half an hour left to sleep.
One day, Tanya thought that her mother-in-law’s shoes were not where she had put them while cleaning. Deciding to check, she moved Nina Stepanovna’s shoes again. In the evening, they were again in a different place. Tanya thought about it.
– Yura, do you think your mother is very ill? – Tanya asked her husband one day.
– Of course! – he was offended by such distrust, – Do you think that anyone would enjoy lying in bed all day, pretending to be sick?
Seeing his wife’s skeptical look, he became indignant.
– You have a sick imagination! I don’t want to discuss my mother’s illness with you anymore. Let the doctors treat and monitor her!
– Oh, yes! Speaking of doctors! I haven’t seen a single doctor in our house yet who would examine her or monitor her treatment and well-being, – Tanya looked questioningly at her husband.
“They came in your absence,” the husband said, “Mom called me at work, and I arrived when they arrived.”
Tanya swallowed the blatant lie. She had a plan.
Taking a day off for a warm, fine day, she settled down in a café across from her house, ordering coffee and a croissant. The window had a good view of the door to the entrance where they lived. She didn’t have to wait long. She hadn’t even finished half of the croissant when Nina Stepanovna came out of the entrance in full dress. Decent hairdo, light make-up, a stylish pantsuit, a light handbag. “You wouldn’t even know from the side that madam is seriously ill,” Tanya grinned, finishing the rest of the croissant and finishing her coffee on the go. Having quickly paid, she, unnoticed by her mother-in-law, left the café and followed her.
The daughter-in-law was amazed at her mother-in-law’s endurance. She went around almost all the shops in the area, rode the sightseeing tram, walked along the embankment. She wanted to go on a bus excursion, but after quarrelling with the tour guide, she gave up and went to the park. She sat in an open-air café and, glancing at her watch, hurried home. Tanya, barely keeping up with her, felt like a squeezed lemon, while she didn’t have the slightest trace of fatigue on her face or in her gait. Her whole appearance spoke of a wonderful time spent.
Nina Stepanovna looked around and entered the entrance. Tanya almost got caught, but ran around the corner of the house in time.
“So what now?” She didn’t know how best to present to her husband the fact that his mother had been leading them by the nose for so long and manipulating them.
– Well, I’ll tell it like it is! – She decided not to invent complications.
After waiting a few minutes, she went up to her apartment. Her mother-in-law’s shoes were in a different place, apparently she put them on mechanically, not paying attention to where they were and, when taking them off, put them where it was more convenient for her.
“Yurashik, is that you?” Nina Stepanovna shouted in a cheerful voice, not expecting Tanya so early.
– No, it’s Tanyushik! – Tanya entered her mother-in-law’s room, finding her changing. – How was your walk?
– Tatyana? What are you doing here? – the mother-in-law couldn’t find anything to say.
– Actually, I live here! And what are you doing here, may I ask? – She put her hands on her hips and prepared to listen to another lie.
“You got it all wrong!” the mother-in-law tried to pretend to be sick, but Tanya made a gesture to make it clear that it was better not to do that.
– I really don’t quite understand your performance. What kind of circus have you set up here?
At that moment the key turned in the lock.
– Mom, I’m here! Are you home? – Yura didn’t notice Tanya right away, and when he did, he was confused. He also didn’t expect to see her home so early.
– I wonder where our seriously ill mother could be, huh? – Tanya looked at her husband with interest. – Perhaps mother was treated with river air?! Or maybe shopping was prescribed to her for recovery? Or shashlik with spicy carrots and pickled onions for better digestion? What do you say, Nina Stepanovna? And you, “Yurashik”, why are you silent?
– Well, so what? Well, Mom took a little walk? Is that a crime? Should she rot and mope here, within four walls? You argue all the time, so she decided to have some fun. Right, Mom?
“You’re absolutely right, son,” Nina Stepanovna didn’t even try to justify herself. She stood by the mirror and began to fix her hair.
– Did I spend so much money on a haircut and buy so many new clothes in vain, so that I could vegetate at home and listen to you sneering and mocking a sick woman? – It seemed that the mother-in-law had developed a split personality. She could not decide who she was at the moment – a sick mother or an overbearing mother-in-law. The mother-in-law won.
– I always told Yurochka that he chose the wrong wife. My friend’s daughter, Valechka, was more suitable for him. A kind, intelligent girl, she still pines for Yurashik. But no, he wants a commoner! You see, he has passion! But somehow this passion of yours doesn’t go further than snoring!
– Mom! Were you eavesdropping? – The son’s cheeks flushed with shame.
– Why should I eavesdrop? I didn’t hear anything except snoring, no other sounds! – Nina Stepanovna snorted, – But with Valechka everything would have been different. You would have been in love.
– Well, that’s enough! – Tanya was tired of hearing nasty things about herself. Her husband couldn’t protect her or didn’t want to.
– Yura, rein in your mother, otherwise…
“Otherwise what?” her mother-in-law didn’t let her finish.
– Otherwise, I’m filing for divorce, since my husband can’t protect me.
– My God! What a tragedy! – the mother-in-law gasped theatrically and threw up her hands, – He’ll cross himself with his elbow that he’ll get rid of you! Really, Yurash?
Yura stood silently, not interfering in the women’s squabble. But then he was asked a specific question and he had to answer something. He just shrugged and turned away, as if it wasn’t him who was being baited by his own mother.
– Excellent! – Tanya tried to calm down, – I’ll file for divorce myself. You can come to court, you don’t have to come, we’ll get divorced anyway.
– That’s great! The right decision! And Yurashik will file a claim for division of property!
– What are you going to share here? Your tube TV that has been standing on the balcony for three years now? Or a new one? Then take it! I don’t need it for free!
– What are you saying, my dear?! And the apartment? Half of the apartment belongs to the husband in a divorce! – the mother-in-law rubbed her hands contentedly.
– Really? Did we acquire it together? We acquired you together, to our detriment! And my parents gave me the apartment. And you and your Yurashik can go to hell! – Tanya couldn’t resist and kicked her mother-in-law’s purse, which accidentally ended up on the floor.
– And I’m counting to five so that you both disappear from this house! I, a commoner, know the police phone number better than anyone else! – She picked up the phone and looked at her watch, – Time is running!
– Tanyusha, I think you got carried away, – Yura realized that things were getting hot. But Tanya was adamant.
– A minute has passed! You can take the big suitcase too, – she pointed to the large suitcase lying on the mezzanine.
Yura began to collect his things, looking at his wife, hoping that she had made a joke and would soon laugh and say that it was a prank.
– Two minutes! Three minutes left. TV! – She pointed her finger at the old thing gathering dust on the balcony.
Yura, struggling, pulled out the unwieldy contraption and carried it out onto the landing, next to the suitcase.
“Two minutes left,” Nina Stepanovna unplugged the new TV and collected her things. The TV moved into the company of the suitcase and the old box.
– We’ve got it! – Tanya kicked her husband’s slippers into the entryway and slammed the door behind her mother-in-law and husband.
Something had changed in the room where her mother-in-law lived. When Tanya realized what, she burst out laughing and laughed until she cried, until her stomach hurt and it became difficult to breathe.
– Well, screw it! – She barely calmed down, catching her breath and talking out loud to herself, – The last thing I needed was to die laughing in the prime of life, a free woman!
On the bed lay the mother-in-law’s “nylon” set of bed linen, and Tanya’s duvet cover with a sheet and pillowcases had successfully migrated to Nina Stepanovna’s suitcase.
Tanya couldn’t get used to freedom for a long time. After work, she, as before, was eager to run home, cook dinner for her husband, but she remembered in time that she no longer had a husband. And there was not even a stamp left in her passport – she changed her last name back to her maiden name. And it didn’t matter that she had to redo and change a bunch of documents.
And just as she was getting used to it and getting a taste for it, a couple of months later the doorbell rang. Her mother-in-law herself was standing on the threshold.
– Tanyusha, hello! – Nina Stepanovna began with an introduction that was unusual for her, – Can I come in?
Tanya stepped aside, letting her into the hallway. She had no intention of letting her go further than the hallway.
“Tanyusha,” she continued in an ingratiating voice, “Forgive us, we got carried away. Yura was a good husband, wasn’t he?!”
Tanya was silent.
– Well, you had a fight, who doesn’t?! Lovers quarrel, you know that. Maybe you can make up already? And you’ll take him back? – the mother-in-law folded her hands in front of her, pleadingly.
Tanya remained silent, only raising one eyebrow. She was waiting for the climax. And she waited.
– I can’t live with him anymore! I have no more strength! – the woman dropped her hands in defeat, – He’s no use! I can’t steal, I can’t keep watch. He won’t lift a finger in the house, he won’t bring a crumb of bread. It’s all me, it’s all me! I raised a parasite to my own detriment!
– Tanyusha, you lived well, so make peace, what will it cost you?
– Nina Stepanovna, go with God! And please, forget the way here! I’m getting married! – Tanya, of course, was not telling the truth, but she could not deny herself the pleasure of looking at her mother-in-law’s face, elongated with surprise, and closing the door in front of that face.
