“Nothing again?” Nikolai inquired, meeting his wife literally at the threshold of the bathroom.
She just showed him the test with one strip and shook her head . They had been unable to conceive for almost 8 years.
– Tomorrow morning I’m going to the center, they’ll do an ultrasound and take tests again. In the afternoon I’ll go to the store to buy some groceries. The nutritionist told me that you and I need to review our diet again. I know we’ve already given up most of your favorite foods, but… since we can’t do it yet, maybe that’s not enough. And in the evening we’ll go jogging together, – Maria told her husband about her plans.
– Mashunya, don’t you think this is too much? Of course, I want children, but you are putting our lives on the altar for this. And I am no longer sure that it is worth it, – Nikolay gently touched his wife’s hand.
Maria pursed her lips and turned away. She felt inadequate, unfit to start a family.
– I promise, when we succeed, we can relax. We’ll ditch these arugula salads and get a good night’s sleep, – the woman looked away: she herself didn’t like all this. – But for now, we’ll have to try. Or… have you changed your mind about the alternative option?
Maria asked Nikolai this question approximately every six months, hoping for a new answer.
– No. I haven’t changed my mind.
– But why? It would be much easier. Maybe it’s the only way for us! I don’t understand. What difference does it make who carried the child? It’s more important who and how raised him. Plus, we’ll give a chance to someone who was abandoned.
Masha had already learned the adoption conditions in secret from her husband and sometimes visited the local orphanage’s page to see the children. Deep down, she had little faith that they would succeed. She simply mechanically followed the recommendations of numerous doctors. One of them recently told Maria that sometimes people are biologically incompatible, and one can only accept it.
— It matters to me. I don’t want our child’s biological parents to be drug addicts, alcoholics, or mentally ill. The tendency to bad habits is passed on genetically. Not to mention illnesses. No. If we are destined to have a child, then he should be ours in every sense. If not, I’ll somehow survive, — Nikolai paused, then sighed and lowered his hand. — Just come back to the family, stop running to doctors, feeding me grass and doing sports in all our free time. I can’t stand it for so long.
Maria looked into his eyes with such pain and despair, as if he had just cut the last straw he could grasp at.
– Mashunya, I’m tired. I don’t want anything today.
“But we have a favorable day for conception!” the woman insisted. “We must try, otherwise we will devalue everything we have already done.”
“Let’s think about it after work,” said Nikolai, standing in front of the mirror and adjusting the sleeves of his shirt.
The woman felt rejected. Her husband had refused her intimacy more than once after that conversation. He cited either a lack of mood or fatigue. This had been going on for two weeks.
“If you don’t help me, we won’t get anywhere. Time is running out, and our task isn’t getting any easier,” Maria frowned.
– I know, Mashunya. I just… don’t want to. I have no desire.
After these words, Nikolai quickly headed towards the door, not wanting to continue the argument.
“I’ll be waiting for you in the car,” he said at last.
– What happened today? – Nikolai asked, even a little scared, looking at the set table. – It’s a long way until the New Year, your birthday is in November, mine is in May… – the man tensely recalled the dates important to them.
The woman understood that she was losing not only the dream of a large and friendly family. She was losing Nikolai himself. Something had to be done about this, and she decided to arrange a romantic dinner with pork baked with cheese, fried potatoes and a heavy salad with nuts, eggs and mushrooms. There was even cognac and wine. Maria prepared everything that Nikolai loved so much.
And what they can’t do.
– Nothing. I just love you, I wanted to please you, – the woman smiled.
Nikolai suddenly tensed up and looked warily into her eyes.
“This is about yesterday’s conversation, right? You want to try to… seduce me?” the man asked bluntly, hesitating.
It was painful for Maria to see this. As if Nikolai was now running away from her, afraid of intimacy.
– No, no. I just want to have a good time with you, remember the past, think about the future.
The husband’s gaze still showed mistrust, but he sat down. He put a small portion of each dish on his plate and… began to eat with such a satisfied expression on his face, as if he had just been dipped into a warm, gentle sea and laid down on the beach.
Maria hadn’t seen him like this for a long time.
“Bon appetit,” she smiled, sitting down next to him.
– He’s already nice. Very nice… – there was no trace of tension left in his voice.
The woman was silent for a while, letting her husband enjoy the food and cognac. Then she poured herself some wine and raised her glass.
– I want to make a toast. For our love and for you, Kolenka. I realized that you truly love me. I know how much you want a full-fledged family, but you still stay with me, support me, listen to everything, – Maria smiled sincerely.
But Nikolai for some reason shrank all over, raised his shoulders a little, pulled his head in. As if they were going to hit him.
“We’ve come a long way together,” Masha continued. “And I know we’ll go through a lot more together. As we promised: in sorrow and in joy. I’m very grateful to you for everything you do for me, even when you don’t want to. Especially when you don’t want to. And I also wanted to say that…”
Here the man could not stand it any longer. Either the speech had touched him, or the slight fumes in his head from the drink had taken their toll. He stood up and stopped the woman with a gesture.
– Mashunya, I also have something to tell you.
There was a pause. The woman looked at her husband attentively.
– Yes? I’m listening.
– I don’t deserve everything you say. It just so happened that… – Nikolai looked down, collecting his thoughts and choosing the right words. – I didn’t keep my promises. I wanted to tell you about it earlier, but I couldn’t. I want to leave.
It was as if the ground had been knocked out from under my feet.
– H-how? – Maria’s hands began to tremble.
– I met a woman at work. Her name is Svetlana. Everything is fine with us. Haven’t you noticed that I’ve started staying late more often, arriving late?
– I thought it was because of our dinners and runs. I thought you didn’t want to go home.
– That too. But now it’s more regular. It’s just… I think we’ve reached a dead end. I don’t want you. No matter how painful it is. I don’t want to live with you, I don’t want to share a bed even just for the sake of sleeping. I even touch you – through force. I understand how you feel, but I can’t do anything about it. I tried. I couldn’t. With Svetlana, everything is different. I don’t want to suffer myself and torment you, so it’s better for me to start a new life.
Her eyes stung. Maria sighed heavily and went to the window to hide her tears.
– Well, so be it. You’re a grown man, I can’t hold you back.
“What did you want to tell me?” Nikolai suddenly remembered.
— It doesn’t matter anymore.
– Anyway, thank you for everything that happened.
The man hugged his wife one last time and went to pack his things.
Several months passed. Nikolai stood at Maria’s door, gathering his courage. Finally, he pressed the doorbell.
“Who’s there?” a familiar voice answered, belonging to Ksenia, his ex-wife’s friend.
– This is Nikolay. Is Masha home? Let me in, please.
– Oh, it’s you, – Ksenia responded without much enthusiasm. – Mash, should I let him in? He’s your ex.
A few seconds later the door opened. The bouquet that Kolya was holding in his hands rustled. The man walked inside under Ksenia’s intent, condemning gaze.
– You showed up without getting dusty. Are you going to ask for forgiveness? – his friend rushed at him from the entrance.
– Ksyusha, let’s talk, okay? Wait in the bedroom for now, please. You can turn on the computer, – Masha’s voice came from the kitchen.
Nikolai immediately turned his gaze to his ex-wife. She was sitting at the table and smiling at him like in the good old days.
“Okay,” Ksenia answered discontentedly and left.
Kolya looked like a beaten dog. He approached Maria, looked at her guiltily and handed her a bouquet of white roses.
– Forgive me. I was wrong.
– Sit down, Kolenka, – Masha took the flowers and put them on the table. – I’m not mad at you. But what happened?
— Things didn’t work out for me with Sveta. While we were dating secretly, she was affectionate, gentle, always cheerful. Literally a woman on holiday. As soon as I told her that we would now live together, she began to change. I should do this, I shouldn’t do that, fix it there. She drove me crazy, I had no strength left. My stomach is flabby, I don’t know how to change faucets, and I’m not as good in bed as her ex. I got tired of all this, I left her.
– It happens. Don’t be upset, there are many people. You’ll find the one that suits you, – Maria pitied him.
– I already found it. I want to be with you.
Masha frowned slightly, but did not have time to answer. The doorbell rang again. The woman stood up, and Nikolai’s gaze fell on her belly. It had clearly become rounder. Unable to restrain himself, the man stopped Maria, taking her hand.
“Is this mine?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes. Yours,” the woman began to gently free her wrist from the grip.
Kolya himself let her go. He froze in place and watched her as she walked to the door. Could it really be that they would finally have a full-fledged family? Now their torment would end, all that was left was to reap the fruits.
“Hello, dear!” Maria greeted someone affectionately.
– Hi. Are you okay? – a male voice was heard.
– Yes. Ksyusha and… a friend… an old acquaintance came to see me.
– Friends are good. And I just brought a roll and fruit for tea. I remember that you need vitamins now.
– Oh, that’s very sweet! Thank you!
Something inside Nikolai fell from his chest to his heels. He moved away from the table and flowers as if everything here was foreign. Not his.
Maria entered the kitchen with another man. He was somewhat younger than Nikolai, and looked more fit and well-groomed. In a clean business suit, with heavy bags in his hands. He smiled at Nikolai, left the purchases by the window and sat down at the table.
– Hello. I’m Mikhail, Mashenka’s husband, – the man introduced himself.
“I… My name is Nikolai,” was all he managed to squeeze out.
They shook hands. Kolya – as if by inertia, without any particular desire.
“Well, I think it’s time for me to go,” Nikolai said in a dejected voice.
– Would you like to stay for tea? – Maria suggested. – Well, as you wish. Mish, please prepare everything for now. And I’ll be there soon, – Masha looked at her new husband, her eyes shining.
She looked at Nikolai differently. With sad nostalgia, experienced pain, wisdom in her gaze. Together they went to the exit. Already in the vestibule, Nikolai nevertheless turned around.
“Masha, you definitely don’t want…” he began, making a desperate attempt to get his wife back.
“It’s too late,” Maria answered him quietly. “It just happened. I didn’t hold you back, and you shouldn’t hold me back. Go on with your life. I did it, and you can too.”
– But the child must have a father.
– He has one. Misha, like me, believes that it is not who gave birth to a child, but who raised him that is more important.
– What about everything that happened between us?
– It was. And I am grateful to you for it. But the past is one thing, and the present is quite another.
Nikolai hung his head dejectedly and walked towards the stairs. He turned around for a moment.
— Will I at least be able to see the child?
– I’ll list Misha as the father. He wants to adopt the baby anyway. Please, don’t bother us, okay? You didn’t know about the child and somehow lived before this…
– Okay. I understand you.
Maria never saw Nikolai again. And she was very grateful to him for that.
